Somewhere In Between

Right now I’m somewhere in between healthy and being completely off track with my diet. I’m somewhere in between a clear sober mind and a distorted, clouded judgement. I’m somewhere in between a decent paying job and not being satisfied with that job, wanting a well paying career working for myself. I’m somewhere in between being full of confidence and having zero faith in myself. I’m somewhere in between knowing who my God is and not knowing who or what created all of this and for what purpose. I’m at a million different crossroads in my life at this very moment. I’m what you would call being in a fragile position. Do or die time. Make or break opportunities.

My name’s Mike. I’m twenty eight years old. I’ve been married for about a year now. I have a five month old daughter who is my world. My family means everything to me and I wouldn’t trade them for anything else in this universe. Overall life is good, but I’ve always dealt with some nagging mental health issues no matter how well my life seems to be going. Now, it’s not what you’re thinking. I’ve never been locked away in an asylum. I’m not crazy, although let’s face it, everybody can get a little messed up in the mind at times. No, my mental health issues pertain more towards a constant down talking to myself. You know, that really annoying negative self talk, “you can’t do that. You can’t do anything right. You’re just going to fail anyway so why try? That’s impossible, you can’t start your own business or own a house one day.”

You guys out there reading this know what I’m talking about. We all have our own differences, but through my years I learned that none of us are as unique as we may think we are. I really don’t say that in a melodramatic sense and it’s not like I’m saying that in a sad, dulled down kind of tone. Just try saying it out loud. “I’m not unique…” Think about what that means. It’s not negative. It’s not bad. It means all of those times I got trapped in my mind and suffered with depression, I didn’t have to. Millions of other people feel just like me. I can open up to loved ones or even strangers because chances are they went through the same emotions I’ve been through. It means I’m not the only one making mistakes on a daily basis living with a regret of some kind.

Regret, fear and disappointment are all rolled into this cycle that leaves us feeling vulnerable and helpless. We regret not going for our dream job. We regret not asking that girl or guy out. We regret our own actions or words said out of anger. In essence we fear that we will repeat those negative actions in our life that seem to drag us down. We fear we can’t change. We fear being alone so we settle in life. We fear the unknown so we don’t go for that promotion or say adios to that dead end job that doesn’t even come with any benefits. What does all that fear lead up to? You guessed it right. Pure and utter disappointment. We stop dead in our tracks. We get comfortable. We get stuck. Sometimes for weeks, months, or even years left wondering where did all of that time go. That’s when we go full circle into feeling sorry for ourselves and left in our self made regret. The cycle literally has no end until you decide that you’ve had enough.

Have I had enough yet? Not even close if I’m being honest. Like I said in the beginning, I’m somewhere in between. I don’t know what’s next, but I’m trying. I’m not here just to give advice. I’m simply here to relate. I’m here to share my story. If it helps you, that’s awesome. If you get nothing from this, then that’s ok too. It just means that our lives are different to the point where we can’t relate to each other. It doesn’t make either of us any less interesting, just a little different.

This is my first blog and I don’t know if I’m doing it right. I don’t even know if there is a right or wrong way but I’ll be damned if I have to live behind a mask anymore. So if I’m being completely honest, here it goes…I’m somewhere in between happy and sad. I’m somewhere in between loving myself and hating myself. I’m somewhere in between being a success and being a failure. I take life one day at a time. I try to live by a certain set of morals and help people when they need help. I try to do right by my wife and daughter, by my family, loved ones and friends.